Let There Be Booze
In the beginning, God said, “Let there be light!”
And all the earth responded: “Bud Lite!”
Things have been kinda crazy ever since.
That’s probably not that far off. Alcohol had to show up pretty soon after the creation of the earth. Maybe God “rested” on the 7th day because he was hungover from partying on the 6th (come on, it was Saturday night).
Or maybe he was drunk the whole time during creation. The duck-billed platypus? Does that seem like the work of a sober being?
“I don’t care, put a duck bill on a beaver, that’s funny! And a kangaroo, a big mouse that jumps, let them figure that one out! Ha ha ha. Get off me, I can drive the universe just fine.”
It explains a few things, God being drunk. The entire Big Bang was just probably God left the universe in the microwave too long, Boom! Matter everywhere.
Or, if God wasn’t drunk, surely there was booze in the Garden of Eden. Adam would have needed a drink after losing a rib and then finding out he was married to it.
“My side hurts. You’re my what? What’s a ‘wife’? Half my stuff? To a rib? Are you pulling my leaf? Fine, I’ll be at the bar. I don’t know what a bar is, either, but I’m going!”
And Eve? The apple debacle?
“I was drunk! No, no, listen, Adam. That snake gave me shots of tequila. And margaritas. Have you ever had a margarita? With salt? I ordered an apple-tini, it wasn’t supposed to be an apple at all.”