There’s gold in that there urine!
Yeah, I just said that.
Because people are paying top dollar these days for pee.
Especially hunters. Hunters love pee. They cover themselves in it. Sometimes, it’s deer pee. Sometimes it’s just too many Bud Lites.
Apparently, deer pee hides the human scent of a hunter, so it’s strong enough to cover up the smell of a GED and a bad home life.
Which, yeah, I guess, anything that helps you shoot a pretty animal in the head, go for it. But I have so many questions about this. They’re just flowing.
Like, how do you even get a deer to pee on you? Have to pull up to a bad area of the woods, a deer walks up to the window, “How much to pee on me? What? No, I’m not a pervert, I’m a hunter. Why don’t I have a gun with me? Uh…. look are you going to pee on me or not? Thirty bucks? That’s too many deer. Oh, you meant money.”
If that’s not it, maybe there’s a pee shower at the edge of the woods? How much pee are we talking about? Do hunters really get in there and lather up, like a Zest commercial? “You must wear this much pee before entering the preserve.”
If that’s not what happens, if you’re not paying a prostitute deer to pee on you, and there’s no pee shower, then where do you buy deer pee? Piggly Wiggly? H.E.P.?
And how do you know if it’s really deer pee? It could be a guy, “They want more ‘deer’ pee? Fine. (ziiiip)”
Does the pee thing work with all animals? Do you put rabbit pee on your boot (they probably pee very low to the ground, right)? Or maybe put out a really tiny Porta-Pottie for them?
What about owls? Do you attract them with a pee hat?
And aren’t some animals turned off by pee? “Jesus, did somebody pee around here?”
With deer it’s apparently not always pee, sometimes it’s “scent” (which makes me even more nervous). All these online companies have to brag about how good their scent is, it’s weird.
“With our natural deer attractant, big bucks will come running to see what’s up. We’ve captured the Marilyn Monroe of deer, prettied her up with make-up and even implants, and gathered her “scent” with our patented method that even our wives don’t know about. Male deer will come from other states to take a shot at buying this little honey a drink. And when they show up at the door with roses and the key to a Ferrari, you blast them right in their expectant faces! Worst OkCupid deer date ever.”
Oh, and by the way, if you’re using scent to bring in a deer so you can shoot it, you’re not a hunter, you’re a pimp. What if a deer did that to you? You ping a girl on Tender, show up to meet her at Applebees, “Okay, where is she… what’s that deer doing here? — Bam!”
It really would be an episode of “To Catch a Predator.”
It’s not only hunters who are buying pee, though. Ordinary homeowners are making a big splash in the urine market as well. A company called Predator Pee supplies you with scary animal pee to keep other animals away from your home.
Apparently dogs hate bear pee, so you can use it to keeps dogs in line. Kind of an extreme way to housetrain your dog, make him think there’s an invisible bear in his home. “No, I’m not going to pee, there’s an invisible bear in here! The place is haunted by a peeing bear!”
Mountain lion pee will keep feral pigs away, because — and you may not know this — mountain lions love to pee on pigs. Just another secret of the animal kingdom.
No word on exactly how the company collects urine from wild animals, but I did see one of their employees heading out at night carrying a large bowl of beer and wearing a sponge suit.