Script for ep. 8: Fat Fear

Some people find this interesting, here is our working script — with links to sites we referenced — to our latest episode.

HC-008:  Fat Fea

Segment 1:  Intro us

()  [Lawrence]:    Welcome back to the Healthy Comedian podcast, where we are Rehealthing America, one Joke at a time.  Todays episode:  “Fat Fear”  Why do we fear the one substance the human body was clearly made to run on?   And now, a fat lover from way back, Dr. Dan French.

()  That was THE Lawrence Thomas, and we are back, jauntily joking our way through the jungle of health, let’s launch it with The Weak in Health!  Brought to you by :

Segment 2:  The Weak in Health News

*  The FDA approved the use of Botox as an effective temporary treatment for crow’s feet.  Come on, who cares if crow’s have wrinkled feet?  And how do you get the crows to stand still while you inject their feet?  I actually find the wrinkles around a woman’s eyes to be sexy.  Said no one, ever.  What if those really were caused by a crow stomping on your face?  That would be a terrible way to wake up.  “Damn it, we are going to Michaels today to get a scarecrow.”

*  Here’s my favorite weird health headline of the week:   Over 1,000 Rhesus Monkeys on the loose in Florida, and some have herpes.  And some don’t.  Why slander the monkeys who are in monogamous relationships?  This is quite a story. Apparently, a tour guide named Colonel Tooey saw a Tarzan movie in the 1930’s,, and wanted people on his tours to get the experience of being screamed at by tiny hairy banshees, so he brought “a handful of monkeys” — how many monkeys in a handful? to Silver River State Park, in Florida.  His idea was to keep them, “sequestered” on an island.  Where they debated the innocence or guilt of other monkeys?  “Your honor, I know my client flung poop, but that’s what primates do!”  But… they learned to swim ashore.  “Uh, is that a herd of swimming monkeys coming at us?” They spread out as far as Jacksonville (where they tried to fit in, become UPS drivers, and live normal lives).   Rhesus monkeys carry Herpes B, which doesn’t affect them, but can causes neurological impairment and death in humans. As can Herpes Bieber, which is what the B stands for.  The monkeys are known to act aggressively towards people.  But hey, we evolved, so we started it.

*  Adults who have numerous cavities are less likely to get mouth, head, or throat cancer.  Also more likely to be in my family.  And to root for ‘Bama.  Possibly because the lactic acid produced by bacteria in cavities can prevent cancer cells from developing.  Or, maybe even cancer doesn’t want to live in that mouth.

*  *  Weightlifting while pregnant

Here’s a cool story, a pregnant woman in CA set off a Facebook firestorm when she posted a picture of herself lifting weights while 8 months pregnant.  And she was nekked!  Not really, that was for all our preggo-phile listeners. I think the whole thing is ridiculous, she’s supposed to be 50 lbs overweight and bedridden, the way God intended.  She was doing squats, and people were like “You’re going to pop that baby out!”  Ah, if only it were that easy.  Three good lunges and we’re back home.

—  She wrote,  “8 months pregnant with baby number 3 and CrossFit has been my sanity.  I have been CrossFitting for 2 1/2 years and…strongly believe that pregnancy is not an illness, but a time to relish in your body’s capabilities to kick ass.”  Also a time for your body

—  The internet is not the place to go if you’re looking for universal validation for your life choices. Concern trolls

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151588607707676&set=a.325898337675.156685.22565487675&type=1

http://www.cnn.com/2013/09/20/health/pregnant-woman-weightlifter-crossfit/index.html?hpt=hp_c3

*  Have you seen this, there is a dress that automatically turns see-through when women get “aroused.”  And that is today’s Greatest Thing Ever Invented.  By a Guy.   It’s called the “Intimacy 2.0,” or it’s called Saran Wrap.  It was  invented by award-winning Dutch designer Daan Roosegaarde — which is Dutch for Glorious Pervert — and is made  of leather, e-foils, and little boy’s dreams.  The e-foils contain tiny LEDs, copper, and other electronics to measure your body’s change in electric current. A faster heart rate means more current, which indicates a heightened level of arousal, thus forcing the foils to pulsate and turn from opaque to clear.  Or what is known as the Hell Yes Effect.  The dresses are pricey, they might cost you a wife if she suddenly sees a girl go naked in front of you.

. A drug invented in Russia that eventually eats the flesh of The junkie, has hit the streets of America. In Arizona, where else. As long as it’s white flesh, it’s okay to eat it in Arizona.  The drug is a combination of codeine, gasoline, paint thinner, hydrochloric acid, iodine and red phosphorous.  With a little GED thrown in.  “Hey you got your gasoline in my codeine, no you got your codeine in my gasoline.” The drug is called Krokodil, but we like to call it Union Carbide Potporri!  I call it Coroner’s Little Helper.  The drug causes gangrenous soars that open all the way t the Bone!

* Bestiality has become so popular in Germany that there are now ‘erotic zoos’ for people who want to have sex with animals.   And you thought the animals in our zoos were sad.  What is wrong with Germany?  How drunk are they?  Daddy, why is that man playing with the llama?  Daddy?  Dadddyy!   Bestiality brothels are reportedly spreading through Germany faster than ever — what does that mean, “Oh, beastiality is always fast here in Stuttgart, but lately, whoa Nelly.  That’s my horse, Nelly.   – because of a new law that makes animal porn illegal but sex with animals legal.  Wait, wait — beastiality brothels?  I think you call that a “barn.”  No farmer ever said, “Let’s slide on down and spend the night at the to the B&B — Beast and Breakfast.”  Critics say  the new law does not adequately protect animals from predatory zoophiles who are increasingly free to turn to bestiality as a “lifestyle choice”.  That is the softest way ever to describe sex with animals — “Your honor, I wasn’t having sex with that duck, it was a lifestyle choice.”

Bit:  German zoophile calls in

Dan:  This is quite the funky story, so we’ve got one of these German zoophiles online, Hans, are you there?

Hans:  Of course I’m here, where else would I be, making out with a goat?

Dan:  Maybe, we’ve heard that happens in Germany.

Hans:  Lies!  Goats are disgusting.  Lambs, lambs are soft.  Mmm, silence the lambs, mmm.

Dan:  Wow, that’s a little disturbing.  So why are Germans so into bestiality?

Hans:  Have you seen our women?  At 40 they all look like Himmler.

Dan:  That’s kind of rough.

Hans:  Make out with a horse’s face, or a horseface, you choose!  I have to go, I have a date with a chinchilla!  Start the techno-music, where are my out-of-date black boots?

Dan:  That was Hans, the predatory zoophile, we’ll be right back to hear how Lawrence did this week on his fooding.

Segment 3:  Personal Narratives

()  L’s week

()  D’s week

(SAT)  Find red palm oil at Sprouts, also Jarrow coconut oil half price.

(MON)  7 days full on ketogenic, zero carbs.  great energy, mood, sleeping pretty well and waking up rested.  stomach shrinking quickly, shorts are loose, tank tops now don’t hug stomach, no bloating, stomach looks flat.  don’t feel sluggish, gym has been great.  no real cravings issues.    (thur will be 10 days)

— also trying to get in more muscle rest from gym days.  much better workouts when I have five or six days between

— have water bottles filled nearby, and now I’m drinking more water, but just makes me pee all the time.

—  been eating fairly late for sleep/cortisol purposes, but don’t know if that works or not.  just don’t like waking up feeling hungry.

*  transition:  speaking of _____,

Segment 4:  Victoria Secret Model call in

()  ** There’s a story out this week about how incredibly strict the judges are when choosing women to be Victoria Secret Fashion Show models.  They make the girls walk in harsh lighting so the judges can see them, and it’s describe as incredibly nerve-wracking.  Yeah, I’m sure it’s hell on earth to be perfect and have people look at you and decide if you’re perfect enough.  Apparently they eat high-protein baby food for weeks to get ready?  And because none of them have ever had to cook a day in their lives.   But it’s an interesting life, we’ve got one of these girls on the phone.

Law:  Hello, is this Jessica?

Jess:  Yes, sorry, can you hear me?  I don’t like to hold my iPhone all the way to my face, residual calories from facial oils.

Law:  Wow, you’re worried about getting fat from your phone?

Jess:  I just don’t want to take any chances.  Are you fat?

Law:  I still have some pounds on me.

Jess:  Ooh, um, can’t talk, I don’t want to catch your obesity.

Law:  Don’t you think you’re being a little paranoid?

Jess:  That question just made me a little fatter.  Have to go, my trainer is tying me to the bumper of his car, if I don’t keep up, I die.

Law:  Well, good luck becoming a Victoria’s Secret model.

Jess:  Victoria’s Secret, I wish.  I’m trying out to model for Larry’s Secret.  (whispers)  He’s a little creepy.  Have to go, I’d say goodbye, but farewells make me fat.

Law:  That was Jessica, and we’ll be right back with this week’s Big Issue.

Segment 5:  Big Issue:  Fats

This is a big one, and I’ve put about a dozen links in the show notes because it gets complicated.  We’re going to talk about eating fat.

—  the word “fat” is loaded;  vs  fluffy, healthy, packed,

—  we’re scared of fat because of rhetoric;

    –  causes heart disease, makes you fat

    –  sold by ansel keys, then govt

—  it’s the main source of human fuel; easiest to eat, more calorie delivery (more than double

the amount of energy is stored in fat than carbs/protein),

—  fats are confusing;

— unsaturated  (MUFA, PUFA), saturated,   trans

— omega-3 or omega-6?

— rancidity

— high heat (damage the bond, make free radicals that can skew cells)

—  your body creates saturated fat and uses it (how much fat do you have stored on your

    body?  guy lived a year)

The Paleo Fat Palette

*  Oils (liquid fat)

Coconut oil

Olive Oil

Ghee

Red Palm Oil

Palm Kernel Oil

Palm Oil

Avocado Oil

Fish oil

Macadamia oil

Sesame Seed oil

(kinda:  walnut, flax,

(no:  corn, soybean, safflower, cottonseed, rapeseed/canola, sunflower, peanut,

* fats (solid fat)

Avocado

Lard

Tallow:  beef, lamb

Poultery:  chicken, duck, goose,

Bacon grease

Butter

Fats are compounds of carbon, hydrogen and oxygen atoms that exist in chains of varying lengths, shapes and orders. They’re one of the vital nutrients required by the body for both energy and the construction/maintenance of “structural” elements, such as cell membranes.

*  essential fats:   body can’t make them, omega-3, 6

 ()  3’s:   fish, algae, nuts, flax, eggs (chickens fed flax. fish),

*  saturation

 ()  Monounsaturated:  olive oil, flaxseed oil, sesame seed oil, sunflower oil, safflower oil, corn oil and peanut oil

 ()  Polyunsaturated:    grain products, soybeans, peanuts and fish oil.

 ()  Saturated:

 ()  Transfat

— The fact is, these oils contain varying levels of monounsaturated fat. The rest is a mix of polyunsaturated and saturated. Olive oil, for example, contains about 75% monounsaturated fat, and canola 60%. By the way, these fats are also found in avocados and nuts. They’re granted approval (as much as any fat is in conventional wisdom) as a “healthy fat.

— Can you guess? Polyunsaturated fats have, yes, more than one double bond in their fatty acid chain. They tend to be liquid even when refrigerated. Their problem is they also tend to go rancid easily, particularly when heated. Yup, it sounds nasty, and you should see it! Free radical damage galore. When we heat them (and we often do), they often become oxidized. We’ve let in the Trojan Horse at that point and opened ourselves up to all kinds of free radical pillaging – everywhere from cell membrane damage to wrinkles to arterial plaque build up.

— Saturated fats have all available carbon bonds paired with hydrogen atoms. I know, not the most interesting, but the important part here is that they’re highly stable. They don’t have the same tendency toward rancidness as polyunsaturated fats, even if heated. This is a good thing.

— he unnatural chemical modification process that created trans fats made products more shelf stable but has wreaked havoc in the bodies of those who ingest them. (Quick fact: the hydrogenation process changes the position of hydrogen atoms in the fatty acid chain.)

— I’ve been brazen enough to recommend saturated fats, found in animal products and some tropical oils, as part of a healthy diet, and I’ll say it again. Saturated fats serve critical roles in the human body. They make up 1/2 of cell membrane structure. They enhance calcium absorption and immune function. They aid in body’s synthesis of the essential fatty acids and provide a rich source of fat soluble vitamins

Segment 7:  The Out

We’ve had another awesome time today.  Want to thank our guests _____, and my cohost, LT.  Check out the blog and Youtube channel…

A study says feeding your kids fattening foods before age 3 lowers their IQ.  here are the TOP FOODS THAT PROBABLY LOWER YOUR KIDS’ IQ

Hamburgers and jelly

French fried gummy bears

Bacon-wrapped ice cream sandwiches

Cheese-stuffed cheese covered with chedder-flavored Cheez-Its

Morning pizza slathered with butter and maple syrup

Candied corn dogs, with edible sugar skewer

Cookies pan-sauteed with butter and heavy cream

Shish-kapig

Afro-shaped cotton candy wigs

Pop Tarts covered in peanut butter and gravy

*  Sign Off

Thank you so much, this is the Healthy Comedian podcast, and remember, Comedy is the best way to learn what’s trying to kill you.

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